Goodbye

Well, I tried to write this post last night, but I just couldn't find the words. I believe in writing when you are feeling the emotion you are writing about, but yesterday it was too heightened and quite simply, words failed me.

So here I am today a little refreshed, still somewhat emotionally empty, but a little clearer, I think, on what I want to write!

Goodbyes, wow, so hard. I still cry at the airport when my Dad drops us off.

But this pain was something different and it made me ask myself why?

I think, with my Dad it is different, he is family, we are forever bound and therefore however much it makes me sad, I know we will stay in contact and see each other again. There is no doubt in mind with that.

When saying goodbye to friends there is always that doubt. You say you will see each other again, but is that for each other's comfort? Is that to make the goodbye easier? I know from my side it isn't but the fear that it is from theirs is what causes the angst. I am a true believer that a friendship worth having is a friendship worth working for and in this day and age it is so easy to keep in contact and to visit people. But the fear is, what if they don't feel the same? What if their goodbye is final? And you are unbeknown to that? And all the tears you cried were in fact for the end of a friendship? This is where the trust part comes in. You have to have faith. If you have truly made a connection with a person then you can and will have faith that the connection runs full circle and they too will be feeling the same as you do. The key is not to look for proof. We can believe in God with little more proof than spiritual signs, if you can do that, which I have learned here, then you can have faith in the power of friendship without a demand of written contract!

I will try and recant for you yesterday's events. Now, I am not sure if I can truly do this justice or accurately enough, but what I can guarantee is that it is from the heart.

This morning I took the children into school to say their goodbyes to the staff. They are being so passive about all of this, far less emotional than I have been. We did the rounds and I was feeling pretty much OK but we couldn’t find Grace's teacher, Suneetha. But me and the kids had to get the bus so headed to the bus stop. And at the very last minute we saw Suneetha coming down the street, she and Grace ran towards each other in what can only be described as a cliché movie moment. Only this wasn’t a cliché, this was real. Suneetha is the tiniest lady you will ever meet with the biggest heart! She held Grace in her arms like she was her own, kissing and loving her. I let them have their moment and went over to join them. Suneetha embraced me so hard, I could feel every ounce of emotion she was feeling.

That was the moment I fell to pieces, which I had vowed I wouldn’t do in front of the kids!!

Not only do I think an awful lot of Suneetha - as a mother, I saw how much she loves my little girl and how heartbroken she was for us to be leaving! She is a very special lady.

Jason came home from school and you could see he was hurting now too. He had kept it bottled in for weeks and today’s goodbyes were finally taking their toll on him. Once again the tears began, this time from both of us.

We had arranged to go and sit at Erika’s until the bus came to collect them. So at about 3.30 we took the kids to Farah, who so kindly looked after them as we didn’t think it would be a good idea to have the kids around, they didn’t need to be exposed to this.

When we got to Erika’s villa, there was a strange feeling in the air. We were all waiting for the same thing, and all wanted time to stand still in one way but wanted the inevitable emotional crumbling to be over with.

We hadn’t really talked much about leaving with Erika; we had been blindly ignoring the inevitable. We hadn’t really broached the subject in full, only vaguely touched on it on some of our late nights.

But it was happening now. And there was nothing we could do to stop time.

We all sat around, Jason, Erika, William, Lesley and myself. Not really knowing what to say. And then the bus came early.

As soon as I heard the horn of that bus I felt crushed. I didn’t know what to do; we now only had moments left.

I am an anxious person at the best of times. I’ve already had one panic attack in view here, now was not the time for another. As Erika got the rest of her things together, Lesley ran after the bus to get her luggage and I went to Narien.

Now Narien has done a lot of these goodbyes. She has travelled the world. She is strong in these situations. As soon as I passed though her door and saw her face, for which I knew would be the last time for a very long time at least, I crumbled! Narien was always a rock for me here. She gave me the world’s greatest hug when I arrived, just what I needed, scared and unsure in this place. She has mopped up my tears and has always been there. Someone I always knew would be there when I couldn’t cope myself. For the first time I saw tears in Narien's eyes. That very action was huge. Like I say she has done this a million times before and even though she has had such an impact on our lives, I didn’t think after all the people she has met that we had come close to having an impact on hers in that way.

She said two things that I will definitely take with me!
‘You have all enriched our lives!’
‘You don’t need to change; you just need to get a little stronger’

With the tears rolling, I went back to Erika.

Thankfully the bus had begun at the other end and was finishing where we were. I was glad of this, it would make it easier, everyone would be there, say goodbye and then leave, rather than us catching the bus up as we walked home, prolonging the agony.

Several hugs of Erika later, the bus was there and the guys got off the bus and helped get the rest of the luggage on.

Lesley came to us for her goodbyes. We haven’t known Lesley for long, but she became part of our little group very quickly, there was a vacancy for a person just like her!!!!  She is young and young at heart and not used to this, maybe even less used to it than me. She has found it hard because she is also saying goodbye to other friends she has met here, I’m not sure that our family has had quite the same impact as those other friends, but with us there is history. This is the girl who braved our doorstep to apologise to me. Now that may seem futile in print, but if you had seen the look on her face and the panic then you too would realise that this was quite a step for Lesley. In just a few months I have seen her grow and one thing I hope and pray for is she will find herself here. She will realise who she is and what she wants and she will grow strong. It is in there and she really is a very wonderful person. I am just glad we passed over the ‘difficult’ moment in our friendship because she is a friend worth keeping!

One thing she said to me before she left:
‘Be kind to yourself, you are beautiful inside and out, you just need to see it.’

More tears. (And not just at the time, as I write.)

Alwin and William – the boys! Obviously these goodbyes would be emotional in a different way. We need those boys in our little group; they balance us out – 3 boys 3 girls!!! And even though the emotional connection is different to that of the girls, it is still valid in its own right. They are good men and have been good to us – so I have instructed William to grow some hair and Alwin to get married and have babies!

Then came Erika.

The most heart wrenching goodbye of them all.

The connection here has been nothing I have ever experienced before. She has become a member of our family. She doesn’t need to knock our door; she doesn’t need to ask for a drink, she doesn’t need to work out where to sit at our table. And they are just the practicalities. There aren’t many people, in fact anyone, that has become so much a part of our family before and I truly doubt there ever will be again. This was a one off blessing. Saying goodbye to her was like saying goodbye to a member of your family leaving home. Spiritually she has changed me, religiously she has changed me. All of us. The experiences we have shared have been momentous and couldn’t be replicated in word, so I cannot even try. Erika has to be one of the most wonderful people I can ever say I have been blessed to share my life with. We all are. And anyone who is blessed enough in the future to come across her should also count themselves among the most blessed in the world. She gave me something that was missing in my life, I can’t put it into words, but that something was filled. I never have to justify who I am, what I want to say or what I mean. She just knows.

When she was arranging her things on the bus, I panicked, I thought that was it, what if she didn’t get back off the bus to say goodbye properly. A sense of calm came over me, knowing she would. And she did.

I found myself wanting to get everything out that I wanted to say, so she would have my words to take with her and she would know exactly how much I treasure our friendship. I got nowhere near doing this any level of justice!

In a mass blur of lots of words shared, she pulled back, still holding me and said:
‘Look at me. It’s all going to be OK.’

Once again, more tears (and not just at the time, again whilst I write)

I have never compared Erika to a sister, an aunt, a mother, like some friendships are because what we have is different. But that moment, how she was so strongly holding it together, there was a look in her eyes. A maternal look. You could see she was a mother. That she was strong enough to hold it together and give that reassuring look that mother’s give. Once again the Erika I know, holding back her emotions to allow other people to have theirs. One thing I said to her, was to always be true to herself and her feelings. To follow her dreams. She deserves to be happy. And I love her.

With that everyone was on the bus. Thankfully Jason grabbed me. And held me the tightest he ever has. He felt the loss too, but was there for me. I saw the bus leave and finally Erika let go. Her head in her arms. And I imagine as heartbroken as me. God Bless her and I will pray for her continued strength, her safe travels and peace and happiness. She has a footprint to carry with her and I have a heart to carry with me.

The long walk back to the villa.

Jason held me every step of the way.

My heart was so heavy; I couldn’t bear the weight on my own.

My fear is that I am not emotionally strong enough for this. I questioned whether travelling is the best thing for us to be doing. The past few years have been emotionally rough for us all and I had begun to gain strength here being around these people. I will no longer be around these people. I know in Qatar the situation will be very different to what we had here and to a degree that scares me. We are going into the unknown, with no safety net around us. And without our friends there. I know we shall make new friends but it could never be like this. I am grieving. Not for lost friendships, as I know they will continue to blossom, but for the other things we have lost. Things that cannot be recreated or relived. But as with all grief you have to learn to hold on to the precious moments, the memories and the adventures. And the difference with this grief is we get to stay in contact and we get to meet again. So we have not lost everything and in time I will realise we have not lost anything, we have gained. We have gained true friendships that few are blessed to have in this lifetime, so in time I will stop grieving for moments lost and treasure the moments had.

This is for my friends.