Friday, 16 September 2011
Wow!! What a month!!! We arrived in Qatar a month ago today and so far I have encountered that many emotions I have lost count! And we are still yet to explore Qatar properly, a whole month has gone by and we still haven't walked by the sea, that is definitely this weeks mission!
So I am now a working mom. I know millions of mothers all over the world, in far harsher circumstances, go to work everyday, in jobs they love, in jobs they hate. But until you have done it you can never comment, it is bloomin' hard! Leaving my safe family bubble, knowing that I am no longer 100% there for my family all day everyday is extremely hard to adjust to. I now have other commitments. And in the beginning it makes it difficult to enjoy your new job as you are so emotionally distracted. Of course my first priority will always be my family, but it no longer comes in the form of my permanent fixture in the family home. I find it hard that I have this level of responsibility during the day, it conflicts what I conditioned myself to over the last few years. It is difficult. Do able. But difficult. And something that not everyone will understand.
Like I have said millions of mothers work, millions have fought for the right to work. For me it is terrifying. Liberating, but terrifying!
Over the last few years I have felt safe and secure at home. It has been the one place where I have been able to be comfortable. The place where I was given time to recover. I'm used to being at home where I don't have to face my demons, I am safe and secure and can offer safety and security to my family. From a practical sense I can do all the things that need doing - wash, clean, cook, prepare and plan - the things that all families need in place. I am in charge of my own time. I am the boss of my job. I answer to only me and my family.
So the first proper day at work. Where the children would now be in school. I was a wreck. The night before I barely slept. I questioned myself and my own abilities. I had no idea what I was doing. Could i do this job. As in could I be good at this job as there is no point in doing any job unless you strive to be good at it. I hadn't really got to know all the staff. at least if I had been around friends they would be aware of my anxieties and struggles and understand why this was such a huge personal step for me. I know everyone has first day nerves, but if I am honest mine were crippling me!
The night before we started I called Erika. One person I knew could and would give me the words to cope with this. There was a lot said in an almost two hour chat, but one thing she said I held onto - 'Go in with a smile, what's not to like!' I shall carry those words in my pocket, not just for that first day, but for my everyday life - I am a good person, I do what I do and I am what am I!
I got through my first day, I got though my first week. Of course I did. Everyone does. The only difference is how we cope with it. Initially I didn't cope with it well. Now I am coping with it better.
I am sure half of my colleagues must think I am a bit strange with the way I have dealt with the first week. But you know, I have learned the hard way to be open about how you feel in situations, not in a depressing way, just in an honest way. To vocalise this certainly helps, and for people to know the whys and the hows often gives them a deeper understanding of the person you really are allowing them to make a clear judgment on you. Once people know this, they can then truly decide whether they like me or not. And that's OK with me.
Jason has coped remarkably with his first week. He is working hard and striving to be the best he can - as usual. I am so lucky to have married such a man. He never goes into anything half way. He gives his all - always. And as for the kids, well they have been amazing!!! Joey has coped so well with starting at the juniors. He was very much left to his own devices. He found his confidence and maturity and off he went. Joey is no longer a baby. He will always be my baby, but he is now his own person, doing what he does in his own little life. A real milestone for him and a huge milestone for me as a mother. I am so proud. I am so proud of both of them. I was worried for Grace. For her first day and the rest. She had to change class after two days, an unfortunate admin situation, but I understood. A persuasive chat and a happy meal later she was fine with the move too. And you would never know! She moved into that new class as if nothing was an issue. She has made friends in there easily and seems to me to be very happy. That's the only reassurance I need!
This has been a difficult post for me to write in the respect that my mind has been elsewhere. I have not had the stimulating emotional depth that I have been used to having. The talks with Erika have helped. Allowed me once again to find my true self. To dig deep and feel and be moved by all situations. I want to write, I want to be a writer. I accept some people may not like my style and some people may reject me, but I stay true to what I feel and experience and truly believe that others will gain from my experience.
Although I have realised that it is the people around me that help me write. The people around me that allow me the space, time and inspiration to think. The people around me that move me and inspire me. Eventually I will find the right emotional stance to regain my confidence to write. I will to find the depth myself. It is there i know it is. I just need to level myself.
This post is for all my friends.
I know you will understand this the same way you understand me.
I may not be physically close to you right now, but you are in my heart, my thoughts and my words.
Posted by Ellie at 09:35