For those of you who know me you will understand why I haven't written in such a long time, for those of you who don't, you will hopefully have some understanding by the end of this entry.
Things have once again been rough for me these last few months. And, to be fair, for the family. Now there will be those of you out there who do not understand, wish to understand or even care about 'matters of the mind'. Whatever your take on the varying degrees of 'psychiatric ailments' that people are exposed to and suffer from every day in the world, then that's OK, however, I would say take note, accept they exist and if you are unlucky enough to ever be confronted with any such scenario, enjoy the small steps of positivity, however short lived.
Someone once said to me 'seeing them ('the sufferer')have one happy day could keep the rest of us going for several weeks!'
It is with that in mind that I write this.
So where have I been? In hospital, seeing my doctor and in a pretty dark place. I am here now(amongst other things)about 6 stone (almost 40kg/88lbs) lighter - some may say for the better but the way I got here wasn't so great and honestly, I am still there.
That is all I will say on that matter!
Is today any different?
Not really!
Well, a little.
Today, I have noticed the little things. And enjoyed a few along the way.
Realistically, one would think I have quite a simple life and in some respects I do. And today that 'simple life' gave my mind a reprieve, even if just for a few hours. After going to bed at 8pm last night, rattling from my meds, I managed to get a half decent night's sleep (a real rarity for me of late!). This enabled me to get up before 5am this morning without being as groggy as usual. After getting everyone ready for school I still had time to listen to Grace read her book to me. I then took everyone to school and headed off to get the car cleaned. OK, nothing special so far at all. On the way I saw the sunrise. The most beautiful, powerful sight, rising above the city, such an amazing orangey red colour. I was in awe! Whilst the car was being cleaned I sat in a cafe and drank a cup of tea whilst reading a book. Complete peace and relaxation. I then did the grocery shopping and came home, straight to the computer to write this.
WOW - I know what you are thinking...How dull was that for a morning! Nothing remotely interesting there. Nothing special, I mean it's not like I wondered across the desert on some pilgrimage to 'find myself' or experienced an adrenaline rush one would get from a parachute jump or contributed anything worthwhile to society.
But in my own little way I did all of those things.
Driving the car through the city and it's sunrise was my 'walk through the desert'.
Reading my book with peace and calm and doing the grocery shopping was my 'parachute jump'.
And what was so worthwhile that I 'contributed to society'? The very fact that I am here. That I am alive. That I have another day in which to 'find myself' again, to 'experience an adrenaline rush' and to find what it is I am here to contribute to this world.
What prompted this? Well going to bed at 8pm for certainly helped!!! But also something I saw on the TV last night. A scene with two people - both getting drunk. The one character has been suffering from depression and had tried to commit suicide before. They are laughing uncontrollably and for a brief moment this character had forgotten all his 'woes' until the other character abruptly interrupts their 'drinking game' with a question. List three reasons why you should live? He was horrified at the question and gave a lame answer in response. She tells him that was no good and it hadn't earned another shot of sambucca. He then gets defensive and goes on and on with a huge list of GOOD reasons why he should live. The realisation on his face that there were, in fact, good reasons to get through what he was going through made me realise that there is good reason for me too! For all of us. And for some of us, the ones with the 'psychiatric ailments', it is hard to see for the most part. And I am sure in a few hours or days or weeks I will too feel too emotionally drained to see those reasons. Which is why I am writing this now. It is in print. It is out there. It has been said. So that no matter how crappy I feel by lunchtime, dinner time or breakfast time tomorrow, I can, if I can find the strength and conviction, look back at this and know there was at least one passing moment that things weren't so bad.
This may only be (and in fact WILL be) a momentary glimpse of tranquility. It never lasts long. In fact they are so few and far between at the moment and rarely last more than a fleeting moment of a few hours and are a bi-product of scenario. But however little this moment is - to me, to others and in the grand scheme of time - I wanted it recorded.
Why?
Because this is selfish post. This post is for me. And for all of the other 'Ellies' out there.
One small step at a time.
